Faith. Women. Empowerment.

For children, it’s easy for everything to become a source of shame when nothing is normalized. You assume that if no one is talking about it, it must be just you.

–Brené Brown, Atlas of the Heart

These words resonated inside my soul, bouncing off the pages of the latest gift from Brene Brown. I have read a handful of her books and listened to several podcasts and she lights something up in me. She tells the truth, without all of the sugar coating that is usually caked on. She brings up the hard things about shame, hurt and the importance of vulnerability, in a way that you identify with and can heal from.

That was always hard for me as a child. I didn’t grow up in a “let’s share our feelings and be vulnerable” household. I grew up with loving parents, who worked hard and raised their children to know right from wrong and I honor and love my parents for that. However, the emotional vulnerability piece was missing. As an adult I’ve grown, studied, been through counseling and have adapted into a small start, of living my life in vulnerable ways–is it still hard? yes, but it is now possible? yes.

The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. But vulnerability is not weakness; it’s our most accurate measure of courage.

–Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

It is not easy to let yourself be fully seen without knowing what the reaction or outcome will be, but it is absolutely necessary . If you want to see what is outside, you must leave the house. If you want to see what is in another town, you must go there. If you want to experience something you’ve never experienced, you must be vulnerable enough to try-even if that means failing at whatever it is.

I consider myself to be somewhat of a tumbleweed, ever since my early twenties I’m notorious for dipping my hand into all different types of baskets. When I graduated high school, I went to a local college to complete my associates degree. My initial major was Business and after two 100 level courses I respectfully said, No Thank you. I switched to Graphic Design, which made my heart and creative self happy in so many ways however, I thought to myself ” I’ll never be able to make a living doing this“. So, I transferred from that local college to a university, that was roughly 45 minutes from my hometown. That summer, in July 2010, I lost a sister and my best friend. I was expected to go on to that university one month later, as I had enrolled in classes, secured a part time job and signed a lease on an apartment. So, I forced myself to continue on, switching my major from graphic design to psychology, with a minor in neuroscience. Two years and four jobs later, I was moving an hour and half from home with the intentions of starting a nursing program. Two years later and several long days of work, school and a toxic relationship, I found myself wondering if this was all there was to life? Working to pay the bills? Studying Anatomy and Physiology for hours and not enjoying it? Having someone fill my “in a relationship with” tag, rather than being alone and being happy? I knew life was more. Somewhere, over the horizon, there was more. I was just on the other side of the hill and needed to make the climb.

Can we fast forward three years through some of the most difficult points of my life? I would like to–but I would not be the person I am today without those years. I experienced rejection, shame, loss, having to start over constantly, feeling that I would never make it over that hill to see my horizon. It wasn’t until one very long day of a double shift, bartending until 2am and driving home at 5am that I realized, 1. I was lucky to be alive, because I had taken one too many “stay awake” shots and should never have made it behind the wheel and 2. My life had to change. The next week I was studying for the ASVAB, talking with a USAF recruiter and texting the man that I now have the daily blessing of calling my husband.

If you’re close to me, you know the rest of the story. It’s a perfectly imperfect and out of order story and it’s my happily ever after. The point is, I did not get here without vulnerability. I took a massive leap of faith, I knew that my horizon was waiting for me and if I didn’t show up and let myself be seen, I would always stay on the other side of that hill.

It takes us being vulnerable and not always knowing for certain the outcome, to be able to enter the best scenarios of our own lives.

As humans we are born with an instinctive physiological fight or flight response, it is choosing to stay and fight the urge to run away from being vulnerable that is hard and must be learned. There have been moments in my life where things seem like they will be messy, awkward, hard and I have wanted to run more than anything. It would be easier to just not do it, don’t show up, don’t call, stay- in comfortable. Had I not resisted the urge to run the other direction, in many instances, I would not be who I am today. I would not know the incredible people that I have met and grown with and from.

At this point in my life I am this, a woman showing up daily for myself and for my family. I work at being vulnerable constanlty. I strive toward the best version of myself and show myself grace, because I whole heartedly believe God is never finished working on us and I am his work in progress, daily. Vulnerability is not something I think you can master and check off your list, because it shows up in our lives in so many different versions of itself that we can never know all there is about being vulnerable. Much like yoga, which I also have learned to have a deep appreciation for, it’s a practice. There is no destination with vulnerability, because the only certainty in this life is that things will certainly change. When we want to say to ourselves ” Cling for dear life to everything around you because it can be gone in a moment.” Vulnerability says ” Let go of the pieces that make you stay grounded to this space, take a walk into the sand barefoot and learn from it.”

I am by no means an expert, turn to any of Brené’s books for that! What I know is this–Vulnerability is a precious gift and a friend on this walk that we call life and I invite you to create space for it, leave your shoes on the shore and walk your sandy toes into the water. Live in the uncertainty of life and know that even without a certain outcome 100% of the time–100% of the time, being vulnerable is certain to give you a beautiful outcome.

As always, be blessed friends! 🌞